It's never too late, right?

Tonight I went to the Hiland Theatre to watch the NDI Winter Escape performance.  It was a mix of modern/athletic dance, tap, ballet, and Broadway, so it had something for everyone.  My favorite was the Alley Kats tap/funk troupe, especially when paired up with non-tap dancers.  There was no music to that number, so the tap provided the beat, and it was amazing how much variety they had at their disposal.

I had complimentary tickets, but, sadly, no one was able to join me.  Part of the reason was that my friends were busy with their lives, and I had a last-minute cancellation that couldn't get filled;  but I think a lot of it was that I wasn't able to really sell the program.  I had no idea what to expect, I just knew it was kids dancing, and my tickets were free.

Next time I'll pay for my tickets:  they deserve it.  And I'll put more enthusiasm into my offer.  I'm sorry that my friends missed out on this.  The dancing and music were both well worth it.   A lot of the music was canned, but there was some excellent jazz and piano accompaniment, some written specifically for the group.  It was incredibly moving to see these kids put on a professional-level show with joy and showmanship.  They had the skill, but more importantly, they had the heart.

I remembered my high school days:  it was such a small school, we all did a little of everything. Because of that, we never achieved the level of excellent that kids in big cities do.  But we did get a lot of exposure to the various options, if we chose it.   There were some road blocks, of course.  For example,  I never learned to dance, and I always felt like my size prohibited me from it.  Clearly, that was self-talk at its most destructive, and I was pleased to see that this group did not discriminate on the basis of size.

I'm glad I got myself out to see them.  I have a feeling that I need to become more comfortable with the concept of solo adventuring.  I can't wait for my friends to have the time or inclination to join me, and I can't depend on them to galvanize me.

It wasn't a slam dunk. I almost talked myself into staying home:  I don't feel well, I'm still sad,  I have things I need to take care of, I don't want to go out by myself and sit in an auditorium filled with kids and parents. Above all,  I don't want to emphasize to the world that I'm one of those pathetic lonely old ladies with no one to play with.

But then I looked at the map and saw that the venue was a 5 minute drive from my house.  I have done nothing productive all day, and I realized that I'd beat myself up for being a lump if I didn't put on a coat and Just Go.  So, I put on my coat and went.

Now I am beating myself up for not joining a dance class.  Yes, I know I can do it any time.  Yes, I know I'd like it.  Yes, I know I have both time and money enough to do this, and I'll feel better if I do. So, what is keeping me from it?   Aren't I past the point of expecting more of myself than I have to give?  Can't I allow myself to be mediocre?

Apparently not.  Instead, I get sad as I listen to well-loved music from my past and watch those girls who have focused their young minds and bodies into the pursuit of excellence.

Strong lovely girls dance

To the Bulgarian choir.

My throat closes up.