Good luck, Bad luck: who knows?

Today Angela led meditation at church.  She started out reminding us of the old story about the Chinese farmer who didn't believe in luck.  It all starts with a horse.  (It's always a horse.  Or a horseshoe nail...)  The farmer does all his work with that one horse, and one day the horse runs off.  The neighbors say "what bad luck!" and he replies, "Bad luck, Good luck, who knows?"  The horse returns with a herd of wild horses.  They neighbors say "what good luck!" and he replies, "Good luck, Bad luck, who knows?"  And on and on.  The son breaks his leg trying to tame one of the horses.  Then, the broken leg keeps the son from being conscripted into the army.  It can been an endless story, because, as in real life, there's no real punch line.  One can't judge an event, because the context is too fluid.  Even if you have the benefit of outside observers, they are also caught up in the here and now.  Good luck? Bad luck?  Good choice, Bad choice?  Who knows?  It takes the historian to make the judgment, and even that gets skewed by factors like who won the war.

I am reminded of the year I was getting to know D.  One of my dearest friends had a Come To Jesus lunch meeting with me.  She talked about the crazy choices she made after her husband died, and she wondered if my father's recent passing might have something to do with my attraction to D.  I said, well, in some ways, yes:  he has lost both parents and he understands what I am going through, and he is supporting me emotionally.  So, was I making a good choice or a bad one?  She clearly thought the latter.

Like the farmer, I didn't know.  I had no idea if my choices were insane or inevitable. Who knew?  I recognized the problems with the relationship, in fact I whined about them incessantly.  My poor long-suffering friends.  When I finally made the choice to marry D, it was clear that the choice was neither good nor bad: it was a recognition of a fait accompli.  In fact, I didn't really make the choice.  I suddenly came to the realization that he had been in my life for several years, and that we were talking about long term plans. This was clearly the man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

6 years later, I had an equally abrupt realization that it was over.

And now I'm pondering.  I think the outside observers (the neighbors) would say I'm having a good phase right now.  But I'm not so sure. I'm happier, and sadder.  I'm more self-sufficient, and more lonely.  I'm settled, and transient.  I'm inert, and restless. I'm still figuring out what I want to do in life.  Was leaving D good or bad?  Who knows? I'm hopeful it was good, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.  It's part of my story now, and it will influence my future in ways I cannot begin to foresee.

Meanwhile, I need to finish the meditation that Angela has started, to pay attention to what I am feeling, physically, mentally, emotionally.  To curl up around those feelings and breathe.  And then, to let them be.