Two weeks ago I posted a whiny blog, which I thought better of the next day. It's safely in my draft folder, and my apologies to anyone who saw it before I tidied away. But that doesn't mean I'm not still feeling whiny. I miss having a regular companion, and I don't feel like I've replaced the job of caring for D with any worthwhile activities. As I whimpered in my weekly therapy session, I'm not living a productive life.
She asked, in her contemplative therapist voice, "and what would that look like?"
I was stumped.
I muttered something about my creative friends, and she pointed to my knitting. Well, no, that's not creative or productive, that's just keeping my hands busy. "Uh Huh," she said noncommittally. I said, I should be doing more, losing weight, focusing, connecting, taking care of business. "Why?" Because....I SHOULD!
Therapists are irritating sometimes.
However, it turns out it's not the goals she's taking exception to, but the "negative self-talk." Is there anything that cannot be phrased more positively, without the S word? Well, what about cleaning the house, not living in squalor? "Why not?" Because....I don't like it. Okay, I get it. Not "I should," but "I want to," or "I choose to."
Semantics, I say. Not really, she counters. It's the difference between putting yourself down and making a conscious choice. So, here's the challenge. Is there anything that is a legitimate "should?" And if not, how do I put aside a lifetime of framing my life in terms of negativity and other's expectations? Is it possible to eradicate a half-century of "shoulds?"
And Should I?
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