Not good enough

Yesterday was full of contradictory emotions.  It started the day before, with frustrated messages from my lawyer and my boss, culminating in insomnia.  It was based on physical reactions, not emotional, which is better than the insomnia based on circling thoughts and fears and grief, but it's still insomnia.  And, regardless of the cause, the next day I have that logey sleep-deprived feeling, and my emotions are not under my control.

Actually, my emotions are usually not under control.  I find myself at the mercy of other people's thoughts and actions, and I am so easily hurt by their judgments and critiques.  Intellectually I know that every person has quirks and deficits of personality and capacity.  I know that mine are myriad, but that they are also offset by major assets:  intelligence, humor, kindness, talent, integrity.  Whatever those words mean, I think I have them.  But it isn't enough for me, and it doesn't seem to be enough for the people around me.

I'm not sure why some people need to feed off negative emotions and thoughts, and why I seem to attract such people.  Or perhaps it's just that I seem to be unable to filter them out of my consciousness and self-talk.

Or, perhaps I need that negativity to validate my self-assessment.  While I have an intellectual sense of self-worth, the emotional sense does not follow.  For some reason, I don't believe myself lovable, and I don't trust that anyone really approves of me.  I feel like I deserve the critical assessments of my character and capacity, even when I am hurt by the inaccuracies of the judgments.

Case in point:  R and S told my boss that I don't do any work.  That is patently untrue, and it makes me angry that they think and voice those thoughts.  But, why do they need to go there?  What is it about me that has drawn their enmity?  I am good at my job, I am kind, I am supportive.  But there is obviously some lack or problem with me that they cannot define accurately but that puts them into a critical view of me, one that they feel the need to act on.

My non-emotional assessment is that behavior is a result of the systems that are in place, and that this system encourages back-biting and power struggles.  I am a strong person with a definite personality, and that paradoxically puts me in the vulnerable position.  Flying under the radar does not seem to be in my capacity, and that's the only real defense.

But, I want to be proactive, and I want to spend my 40 weekly hours doing good work in a good environment.  It's my job, as a leader, to set the tone, not to react to it.

Sadly, I just don't feel capable of that.  I feel hurt, worn out, unfairly judged.  I am going to the dark side: thinking that they are negative malignant people, and that I am a fuck up.  And it's possible for them to be malicious and still be right.

I can't blame this on D, or my coll-workers.  This is a long-standing problem for me.  It may be exacerbated by 10 years in a negative environment, but the feeling of not being good enough is drearily familiar.  While it has always been clear that I have excellence within me, it is also clear that I don't access it cleanly or consistently.  I muddy the waters, expend my energy building walls and curling up into a fetal position, hiding from myself and the harsh judgments of the world.

So, when people tell me I am excellent, I don't believe it.  I had to pull it out of them, they were kind and didn't want me to be hurt,  the good things they say aren't true, and the bad things other people say are.  I believe the people who are vicious, not the people I love.  Above all,  I realize that I will never be primary to anyone, never be good enough.  I can't just enjoy what I have (and it's so very much):  I have to yearn after what others have.

I put my energy in the wrong place.