"I appreciate you," she said, as she left the library.
It's a common phrase, here in Northern New Mexico, and I've often smiled in...yes, appreciation...at its use, but this time it seemed like I really heard it. Appreciation. Not the same thing as thanks, although it's often included with the thank you. Not love, which is often said almost by rote, too, to indicate a deeper feeling than like. Not like, either. Nor affection. Appreciation. Acknowledging something at the core of the person.
Appreciation. n.
C1600 (with an isolated use from c1400) from Ango-French appreciation, noun of action from Old French apprecier from Late Latin appretiare "estimate the quality of." (Etymonline.com)
Yes, it's a recognition of a person's quality. And I find myself thinking we need to do more of that, estimate the quality of the people who are running our country, appreciate the people we live amongst. It might even transform the public dialog (if only it were a dialog.) But, the real reason I am thinking about appreciation is that it seems possible, even in the hopeless mood I currently inhabit. I cannot give thanks: thanksgiving is an active thing that also implies there is a being who has done something specific and good. Gratitude is an offering of an emotion, and my emotions are deadened by the Trump effect.
I wrote recently to a friend, "I'd feel better if I felt less helpless. I'm not able to fight, that's never been my way, but trying to live a life that lifts people up doesn't seem to be working, at least not on the scale that is needed.....I'm still in gray mode, exhausted, confused, and a little numb to the glory and terror that is life."
So, on this Thanksgiving Day, I cannot give thanks (to whom?) for my family, friends, relatively good health and income, worthwhile job, and more than adequately functioning body and brain. I cannot raise a paean of joy for the clouds and skies of New Mexico, the crisp cold scent of sage in the evenings, the warmth of the crackling fire in my wood burning stove, the feel of clay under my fingers, the sound of an excellent audio book in my ears, the savor of a fresh-baked cranberry-peach pie in my mouth. Seeing, feeling, touching, smelling, tasting, hearing....all those wonderful senses working so well and so beautifully to bring the joys of this world to me....and I cannot give thanks in return?
No, not yet. But I can appreciate it, and that's a start. It's a noun of action, even if the action is not energetic. It's a recognition. And it's possible. "I appreciate you," she said, and I can second that emotion.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thanksgiving
Every once in awhile I go through that little ritual of counting my blessings. Usually it's a reality check, a way of acknowledging that things aren't as sucky as they feel. But somehow, I can't experience gratitude, neat. I find myself qualifying my gratitude, saying things like, "I'm grateful that I have my health......sorta." And then I think about all the things that ail me, trying to convince myself that those are minor problems, and basically I'm in good health because I can still climb Chimney Rock at Ghost Ranch, or go hiking in the Sandias with G and P. Doubtless it is true, that I am basically healthy. But it's not all the truth, and I need to acknowledge the yin in the yang and the yang in the yin, right? Isn't part of living in the moment recognizing all aspects of the moment?
There is a cult of excellence in our society. One's productions must approach perfection as closely as possible. People must be beautiful, writing must be expressive, pots must be balanced, bodies must be taut and muscular. In such a culture, it is difficult to be grateful, for how can one rejoice in the imperfect? And yet, I do, and I must. Otherwise, what is the point of creating. And, if you are constantly judging your work by an unreachable standard, how can you live in the moment, how can you enjoy your life, how can you be anything but exhausted?
L's take on my constant exhaustion and nausea is that my heart wants to be free and my soul wants to connect, and my body is expressing how much both hate where I am right now. Yes, my head says, it's beautiful here, the job is good, and so is the financial reward: I should be content. But my heart says "get me out of here!"
So, we asked questions and the pendulum answered yes/no. Some of the questions were directed to the body: am I taking care of it properly? Yes. Do I have a diabetes? No. Most of the questions were directed to my heart, And, according to that guide, it seems pretty clear that I need to get rid of my possessions (even more than I have) and go out and explore, and I need to do it sooner rather than later. Apparently my heart does not want me to move back to Portland or Albuquerque or Wit's End, but it does want me to bring my violin along with me on this soul's journey. It doesn't want me to change my attitude towards my current situation, it wants me to move out and on. It wants me to trust it as I have trusted my brain all these years. I'm good at taking care of business, thinking things through, analyzing. Now I need to work with feeling.
A few moments later, I received a phone call from S, who said: "We will make dinner!" They were in Taos, and I met them at Kyote Club. The Universe responded splendidly. Ask and ye shall receive.
Yet, I'm not sure that a change of attitude is not the solution. I do have so much gratitude in my heart, and my critical thinking brain cannot always stop that. I am grateful for family, friends, health, talents, capacity for joy, capacity for productivity, material comforts, meaningful work, beauty in nature, beauty in art, beauty in people. Not necessarily in that order. I'm grateful for hearts and heads and souls. And sometimes I am able to tap that gratitude, neat:
And so it goes, with all my causes for gratitude. My family? too far away. My friends? ditto. My capacity for joy? drowned in exhaustion. My capacity for productivity and creativity? ditto. The gratitude in my heart is silenced or diminished by the carping of my inner critic, and all I can do is whine, "what am I doing with my one beautiful life?"
My more robust companions will have none of this. Some try to bolster, some speak sternly, some send hugs, virtual and real. None of them say, "you're being boring," for which I am....grateful.
Sometimes I listen to my friends, and sometimes I listen to myself. A few weeks ago I had the amazing experience of listening to my heart through the agency of another human. My friend M's friend L is a dowser, and she spent 2 hours with me, talking, dowsing and clearing. Afterwards, I felt....light. I went to the clay studio and played on the wheel, producing an off-center vase, with thick lower walls and thin curvy rim. I took one side of the upper excess and curled it down, attaching the edge to the container and creating a handle. The opposite side was transformed into a spout, and the lopsided vase became a lopsided pitcher. In the ensuing week, as the mass of dark grey dried to leather-hard greenware, I trimmed and smoothed and carved. The resulting imperfection is actually rather interesting, but that is not the point. The point is the process, experiencing the transformation. I don't say I guided the process, nor did I control it. Again, that was not the point. I experienced it. I gave my inner critic a much-needed vacation.
Sometimes I listen to my friends, and sometimes I listen to myself. A few weeks ago I had the amazing experience of listening to my heart through the agency of another human. My friend M's friend L is a dowser, and she spent 2 hours with me, talking, dowsing and clearing. Afterwards, I felt....light. I went to the clay studio and played on the wheel, producing an off-center vase, with thick lower walls and thin curvy rim. I took one side of the upper excess and curled it down, attaching the edge to the container and creating a handle. The opposite side was transformed into a spout, and the lopsided vase became a lopsided pitcher. In the ensuing week, as the mass of dark grey dried to leather-hard greenware, I trimmed and smoothed and carved. The resulting imperfection is actually rather interesting, but that is not the point. The point is the process, experiencing the transformation. I don't say I guided the process, nor did I control it. Again, that was not the point. I experienced it. I gave my inner critic a much-needed vacation.
There is a cult of excellence in our society. One's productions must approach perfection as closely as possible. People must be beautiful, writing must be expressive, pots must be balanced, bodies must be taut and muscular. In such a culture, it is difficult to be grateful, for how can one rejoice in the imperfect? And yet, I do, and I must. Otherwise, what is the point of creating. And, if you are constantly judging your work by an unreachable standard, how can you live in the moment, how can you enjoy your life, how can you be anything but exhausted?
L's take on my constant exhaustion and nausea is that my heart wants to be free and my soul wants to connect, and my body is expressing how much both hate where I am right now. Yes, my head says, it's beautiful here, the job is good, and so is the financial reward: I should be content. But my heart says "get me out of here!"
So, we asked questions and the pendulum answered yes/no. Some of the questions were directed to the body: am I taking care of it properly? Yes. Do I have a diabetes? No. Most of the questions were directed to my heart, And, according to that guide, it seems pretty clear that I need to get rid of my possessions (even more than I have) and go out and explore, and I need to do it sooner rather than later. Apparently my heart does not want me to move back to Portland or Albuquerque or Wit's End, but it does want me to bring my violin along with me on this soul's journey. It doesn't want me to change my attitude towards my current situation, it wants me to move out and on. It wants me to trust it as I have trusted my brain all these years. I'm good at taking care of business, thinking things through, analyzing. Now I need to work with feeling.
My first foray into that was most successful. That day, when I got home from the studio, still feeling light from the session with L and the session with clay, I split some kindling and built a fire and posted the following haiku:
Content to be home
Lying by a crackling fire.
Who will make dinner?
Still, I'm not clear about my choices here. I teared up during some of the discussion, and part of it was knowing that my friends and family will be worrying about me if I take this journey.( Not that they don't worry about me already.) My head wants me to wait for a few years to build up more retirement, But it also says, what's the point of having an extra thousand a month if I have to spend it on healthcare? After years of living with D and years of working a stressful job, my body and soul are both hurting. I don't think I can afford to abuse them any more.
Yet, I'm not sure that a change of attitude is not the solution. I do have so much gratitude in my heart, and my critical thinking brain cannot always stop that. I am grateful for family, friends, health, talents, capacity for joy, capacity for productivity, material comforts, meaningful work, beauty in nature, beauty in art, beauty in people. Not necessarily in that order. I'm grateful for hearts and heads and souls. And sometimes I am able to tap that gratitude, neat:
I spent much of Thanksgiving Day worrying about my niece. Her labor had begun the day before, and as the hours wound on on the contractions weakened, and the medications came and went, and the baby reacted negatively to the whole process. I wanted to be there, because of course if you are there, things will be okay. Finally, they decided on the C section, and my sister sent us the word: I have a grand niece. And there was no inner critic to say anything about it. I felt light, happy, and intensely grateful.
I am grateful for
A great end to a long wait.
Welcome, Abigail!
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Praying without ceasing
A few weeks ago, a friend asked for prayers for the safe recovery of her seriously ill father. My knee jerk reaction was to pass the request along to my more religious friends. I don't do prayers, being an agnostic. I don't believe I have a direct line to a spiritual boon-granting entity, and I'm not even sure that I believe in the power of positive thinking. I treat these matters in a very pragmatic way: if events seem dire, and I am unable to do anything concrete to assist, I send good thoughts out to the Universe and hope there is something that can use them. And, I contact people who seem to have that direct line that I lack.
It's sad to be adrift in a dangerous and painful world. I want to believe that there is more to my life than a carbon footprint and fleeting connections to beings as ephemeral as myself. My therapist says that every day is a gift, and that people enter into my life to provide an opportunity to learn and grow. It's hard for me to believe that, despite the collective wisdom of the world's spiritualists, who all say similar things. I wish I had the comfort of KNOWING that there is a purpose to my being here, and that my task was clear and worthy of the gift.
So, I think about prayer. Why do people ask for prayers? Why do we offer them? My sister, whom I contacted in the emergency described above, does not believe in prayer as an answer to a petition. She will pray if asked, because she does believe in the power of caring. But to her, prayer is a communication with God, and her prayers are those of intent and focus. She believes in St. Paul's concept of "praying without ceasing," which means, do your work with integrity, as a response to God's gifts. In other words, have a clear intent and connection with the higher power as you complete your daily tasks. The humblest actions can be imbued with the spiritual, if your focus is there. Or, as Gustav Uyterhoeven says (in The Chess Garden), God is not hidden from us, He is very obvious, He's just waiting for you to pay attention.
Pay attention. Be Here Now. Live with intent. It's all the same thing, and it's so very difficult to do. I analyze and question and kvetch. If I am in a quiet space, I start thinking of things I could or should be doing. I want a product, and the product has to be measurable. That is, it must have mass, an appeal to the senses, or an obvious effect. It can be as subtle as an improved mood or as obvious as a photograph of the sunset. But, it has to be something tangible in order for me to validate its worth.
My therapist asked me to find a practice that could silence the over-analyzing, because it leads to negativity which I embrace so hard it becomes real. Thus, I'm lonely and rejected because there's something wrong with me. I'm unproductive because there's something wrong with me. I can't move back to Portland because there's something wrong with me. She suggests that I question the premises: am I really being rejected, am I really unproductive, is moving back to Portland really not an option? But above all, she suggests that I stop with the kvetching, stop giving power to the negative self-talk, and live in the moment that is the gift to me.
I remember my sister telling me that she believes my prayers are those of joy and thanksgiving. When I rejoice in the New Mexico skies or dance on the beach, I am praying. And it is true, at those moments, I am not analyzing, not asking for anything: I am joyful. But those moments don't happen often enough, and when I am faced with a rejection, I revert to my default negative self-talk. I stop praying.
S once told me that what first attracted him was that I was clear about my needs. Now, it turns out that this clarity is also what has repelled him. I need friendship, I ask for it, and I don't get it. So, perhaps this is another reason that prayer should not just be a statement of wants and needs. While being clear about your needs is good when communicating with business partners, the more intimate relationships (with lovers, with friends and family, with God) require something else. The connection needs to be more about joy in the gift, in this case the gift of friendship. And one cannot petition for it. One can only rejoice when one has it.
On the other hand, my friend's father is much better, and she thinks it's because of the prayers. Perhaps knowing that people cared was a source of thanksgiving, which in turn was a source of strength and ultimate recovery. Perhaps it was just the way things were supposed to be, the way they were always going to be. Or perhaps prayers of petition do work.
Whatever is the truth, I'm sending up prayers of thanksgiving for the well-being of those I love.
It's sad to be adrift in a dangerous and painful world. I want to believe that there is more to my life than a carbon footprint and fleeting connections to beings as ephemeral as myself. My therapist says that every day is a gift, and that people enter into my life to provide an opportunity to learn and grow. It's hard for me to believe that, despite the collective wisdom of the world's spiritualists, who all say similar things. I wish I had the comfort of KNOWING that there is a purpose to my being here, and that my task was clear and worthy of the gift.
So, I think about prayer. Why do people ask for prayers? Why do we offer them? My sister, whom I contacted in the emergency described above, does not believe in prayer as an answer to a petition. She will pray if asked, because she does believe in the power of caring. But to her, prayer is a communication with God, and her prayers are those of intent and focus. She believes in St. Paul's concept of "praying without ceasing," which means, do your work with integrity, as a response to God's gifts. In other words, have a clear intent and connection with the higher power as you complete your daily tasks. The humblest actions can be imbued with the spiritual, if your focus is there. Or, as Gustav Uyterhoeven says (in The Chess Garden), God is not hidden from us, He is very obvious, He's just waiting for you to pay attention.
Pay attention. Be Here Now. Live with intent. It's all the same thing, and it's so very difficult to do. I analyze and question and kvetch. If I am in a quiet space, I start thinking of things I could or should be doing. I want a product, and the product has to be measurable. That is, it must have mass, an appeal to the senses, or an obvious effect. It can be as subtle as an improved mood or as obvious as a photograph of the sunset. But, it has to be something tangible in order for me to validate its worth.
My therapist asked me to find a practice that could silence the over-analyzing, because it leads to negativity which I embrace so hard it becomes real. Thus, I'm lonely and rejected because there's something wrong with me. I'm unproductive because there's something wrong with me. I can't move back to Portland because there's something wrong with me. She suggests that I question the premises: am I really being rejected, am I really unproductive, is moving back to Portland really not an option? But above all, she suggests that I stop with the kvetching, stop giving power to the negative self-talk, and live in the moment that is the gift to me.
I remember my sister telling me that she believes my prayers are those of joy and thanksgiving. When I rejoice in the New Mexico skies or dance on the beach, I am praying. And it is true, at those moments, I am not analyzing, not asking for anything: I am joyful. But those moments don't happen often enough, and when I am faced with a rejection, I revert to my default negative self-talk. I stop praying.
S once told me that what first attracted him was that I was clear about my needs. Now, it turns out that this clarity is also what has repelled him. I need friendship, I ask for it, and I don't get it. So, perhaps this is another reason that prayer should not just be a statement of wants and needs. While being clear about your needs is good when communicating with business partners, the more intimate relationships (with lovers, with friends and family, with God) require something else. The connection needs to be more about joy in the gift, in this case the gift of friendship. And one cannot petition for it. One can only rejoice when one has it.
On the other hand, my friend's father is much better, and she thinks it's because of the prayers. Perhaps knowing that people cared was a source of thanksgiving, which in turn was a source of strength and ultimate recovery. Perhaps it was just the way things were supposed to be, the way they were always going to be. Or perhaps prayers of petition do work.
Whatever is the truth, I'm sending up prayers of thanksgiving for the well-being of those I love.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Mortgage Assistance Boogie
Two weeks ago I talked to the folks at the Hope Hotline. (People keep pointing out articles about all the assistance that is out there for folks in imminent danger of foreclosure.) I didn't read the page carefully enough. It's a counseling service, and all they did was tell me what I already know: I cannot afford my mortgage payments. They gave me the scoop on foreclosure laws in Oregon and advised me to sell my home.
So I sent out the following cri du coeur:
I am sending this message to friends and acquaintances in an effort to cast as wide a net as possible. As most of you know, I was laid off last year. I have been receiving unemployment, renting out the studio that is attached to the house, working on call and using my savings to cover my mortgage. I am now tapped out. I am looking at the very real possibility of foreclosure.
This is, of course, a common story right now.
The next step in my unemployment saga: in a last-ditch effort to cover my mortgagepayments, we are planning to move into the studio and rent out the rest of the house. This means a major downsizing. I will be checking in with estate sale folks, but thought I'd let my friends and acquaintances know: lots of stuff is up for grabs. Antiques, tables, chairs, dishes, books, CDs, coffee tables, desks, chairs, rugs, TVs, shelving, linens, quilts (including a featherbed.) I will probably have a friends "pre-sale" open house in the next few weeks, but feel free to come by and look around, or ask me about specifics. If there is anything you have been coveting over the last 20 years, now's the time to ask!
Also, if you know of any possible tenants who don't mind living with the landlord next door, please send them my contact number. I would so much prefer someone with built-in references to the Craigslist thing. I'm thinking of a March 1 start date.
Now, as I was reaching out to my friends and acquaintances, I was still looking for government assistance. The place to go is apparently homeowerhelp.com. I have visited it at intervals since I was laid off in January 2011. The first time I applied for assistance, I was informed that, since I did a refinance in April 2009, I was not eligible. (The drop-dead date for a refi is January, 2009.) I looked at it again on Feb 6, after my cheery chat with the Hopeful folks. It has been an exercise in frustration from that moment forward.
Currently, they have a 2-week cycle for applying for assistance. I tried on Feb 8, and again yesterday. I've hovered, waiting for the noon start time to start my application. By 12:01, I've finished creating my account, I hit the submit button and BOOM! I get the window that says they are no longer accepting applications and I need to wait until the start of the next cycle. WTF?
I send a message to the help folks and they say, yeah, our funds get used up really quickly. Really? in 1 minute? Can anyone else type faster than me? Then they tell me to contact the HUD people. I do, but they don't get back to me.
I do still have unemployment, until July. That brings in about $2K a month. The airbnb brought in close to $21K last year, which is an average of $1,700 a month. It has gone down in recent months, however. Those two things cover mortgage. Then there is $600 for health insurance and about $2K for living expenses (utilities, food, phone, insurance, miscellaneous.) So I've covered that with the 401K, which is now kaput. I don't know what I'll do about taxes on all that. I'm only earning around $500 a month with the oncall work, and some of that reduces the UI benefit.
So, it's pretty bleak. Basically, my expenses need to be cut drastically. The utilities are a big chunk, and I have tried without success to reduce them. If I cut my expenses to $1K and get a job with benefits, I will still need rental income of at least $1200 a month.
Since I sent out my cri de désespoir, I have received gifts of money from friends and family, and that is going to pay off the medical debts and cover mortgage for about 2 months, as well as let me finish the shed for habitation. Friends also found a charming family to rent the upstairs, and today the workmen are busily sawing and hammering. We have begun winnowing our belongings, pending an estate sale in the near future. If necessary, I'll be in good shape to sell the house. It's not my first choice, but it's not the end of the world. And I am puddly with tears of gratitude for the friends and family who send up prayers, send me assistance and ideas, and generally let me know that, in their eyes, I matter.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
So I sent out the following cri du coeur:
I am sending this message to friends and acquaintances in an effort to cast as wide a net as possible. As most of you know, I was laid off last year. I have been receiving unemployment, renting out the studio that is attached to the house, working on call and using my savings to cover my mortgage. I am now tapped out. I am looking at the very real possibility of foreclosure.
This is, of course, a common story right now.
The next step in my unemployment saga: in a last-ditch effort to cover my mortgagepayments, we are planning to move into the studio and rent out the rest of the house. This means a major downsizing. I will be checking in with estate sale folks, but thought I'd let my friends and acquaintances know: lots of stuff is up for grabs. Antiques, tables, chairs, dishes, books, CDs, coffee tables, desks, chairs, rugs, TVs, shelving, linens, quilts (including a featherbed.) I will probably have a friends "pre-sale" open house in the next few weeks, but feel free to come by and look around, or ask me about specifics. If there is anything you have been coveting over the last 20 years, now's the time to ask!
Also, if you know of any possible tenants who don't mind living with the landlord next door, please send them my contact number. I would so much prefer someone with built-in references to the Craigslist thing. I'm thinking of a March 1 start date.
Now, as I was reaching out to my friends and acquaintances, I was still looking for government assistance. The place to go is apparently homeowerhelp.com. I have visited it at intervals since I was laid off in January 2011. The first time I applied for assistance, I was informed that, since I did a refinance in April 2009, I was not eligible. (The drop-dead date for a refi is January, 2009.) I looked at it again on Feb 6, after my cheery chat with the Hopeful folks. It has been an exercise in frustration from that moment forward.
Currently, they have a 2-week cycle for applying for assistance. I tried on Feb 8, and again yesterday. I've hovered, waiting for the noon start time to start my application. By 12:01, I've finished creating my account, I hit the submit button and BOOM! I get the window that says they are no longer accepting applications and I need to wait until the start of the next cycle. WTF?
I send a message to the help folks and they say, yeah, our funds get used up really quickly. Really? in 1 minute? Can anyone else type faster than me? Then they tell me to contact the HUD people. I do, but they don't get back to me.
I do still have unemployment, until July. That brings in about $2K a month. The airbnb brought in close to $21K last year, which is an average of $1,700 a month. It has gone down in recent months, however. Those two things cover mortgage. Then there is $600 for health insurance and about $2K for living expenses (utilities, food, phone, insurance, miscellaneous.) So I've covered that with the 401K, which is now kaput. I don't know what I'll do about taxes on all that. I'm only earning around $500 a month with the oncall work, and some of that reduces the UI benefit.
So, it's pretty bleak. Basically, my expenses need to be cut drastically. The utilities are a big chunk, and I have tried without success to reduce them. If I cut my expenses to $1K and get a job with benefits, I will still need rental income of at least $1200 a month.
Since I sent out my cri de désespoir, I have received gifts of money from friends and family, and that is going to pay off the medical debts and cover mortgage for about 2 months, as well as let me finish the shed for habitation. Friends also found a charming family to rent the upstairs, and today the workmen are busily sawing and hammering. We have begun winnowing our belongings, pending an estate sale in the near future. If necessary, I'll be in good shape to sell the house. It's not my first choice, but it's not the end of the world. And I am puddly with tears of gratitude for the friends and family who send up prayers, send me assistance and ideas, and generally let me know that, in their eyes, I matter.
What more could I want?
For those with strong nerves, I hereby present....The Mortgage Assistance Boogie:
Feb 6, 2012, from me to Homeownerhelp.com
Hi, I've been going through the website, and it appears that there are no funds for Multnomah County residents. Can you advise me as to the best way to apply for federal dollars to help me avoid foreclosure. I have been unemployed for a year now, and my income is insufficient to cover my expenses.
I hear a lot about programs of assistance, but I can't seem to find a way to apply for them.
yours in desperation
Feb 6, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com to me
Thank you for contacting our office. Multnomah still has assistance however the cycle’s available slots are filled. The next cycle is scheduled to open on Wednesday February 8th at noon. Please know that cycles will be opening every two weeks until funds are gone.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp.com
I am trying to apply, and I keep getting a message that my county is not accepting applications. Did I get the date/time wrong?
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com
At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again on Wednesday February 22nd at noon. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp
This is very frustrating. You and the web site both said the cycle began at noon today, and I logged in at 11:57 am and started applying. How was it possible for all the slots to be filled by the time I finished typing?
Should I have started at midnight? What can I do on 2/22 to catch that fleeting window of opportunity?
For those with strong nerves, I hereby present....The Mortgage Assistance Boogie:
Feb 6, 2012, from me to Homeownerhelp.com
Hi, I've been going through the website, and it appears that there are no funds for Multnomah County residents. Can you advise me as to the best way to apply for federal dollars to help me avoid foreclosure. I have been unemployed for a year now, and my income is insufficient to cover my expenses.
I hear a lot about programs of assistance, but I can't seem to find a way to apply for them.
yours in desperation
Feb 6, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com to me
Thank you for contacting our office. Multnomah still has assistance however the cycle’s available slots are filled. The next cycle is scheduled to open on Wednesday February 8th at noon. Please know that cycles will be opening every two weeks until funds are gone.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp.com
I am trying to apply, and I keep getting a message that my county is not accepting applications. Did I get the date/time wrong?
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com
At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again on Wednesday February 22nd at noon. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp
This is very frustrating. You and the web site both said the cycle began at noon today, and I logged in at 11:57 am and started applying. How was it possible for all the slots to be filled by the time I finished typing?
Should I have started at midnight? What can I do on 2/22 to catch that fleeting window of opportunity?
I am in imminent danger of losing my home of 20 years, and it rubs salt in the wound when people tell me there are programs to help me and then slam the door in my face and say, "just kidding."
I have searched the various websites and asked for assistance, and all it does is make me vulnerable to salesmen and scammers. I have worked since I was 14 and been a careful and responsible budgeter. And I find myself being treated like a lowlife and shuffled through insulting processes. I know you cannot help this, and I appreciate the prompt responses to my cries in the dark, but is there any way these systems can be less frustrating and soul-destroying? Is there anyone I can talk to?
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownershelp.com
We understand this is frustrating and we are working to increase slots available for your county. There is great demand not only in your county, but the state of Oregon. At this time there is no way of guaranteeing that you receive a spot as this process must be fair for all homeowners that need the assistance due to their unemployment hardship.
I would highly recommend contacting a HUD Certified Counselor as these are non-profits and approved by the Federal Government. Also you are welcome to contact our customer service phone number at 503-986-2025.
Feb 8, 2012 From me to HUD (no reply received)
I have been referred to this address by the OHSI contacts. I have been trying, in vain, to apply for Mortgage Assistance and for Mortgage reduction. I was told that the cycle for the former would open at noon today, and I was ready and applying at that time, only to be told by the website that the cycle had been closed. I must now wait until 2/22 for the start of the the next cycle, and there is no guarantee, or even hope, that the same thing won't happen.
Is there someone who can offer me concrete assistance? I keep hearing that aid is available for people in my situation, and that no one is applying for the aid and it is going begging for people who need it.
Well, I need it. I was laid off a year ago. Unemployment is providing less than half of my monthly expenses. I have only been able to find temporary jobs, despite my 27 years of continuous high-level employment and many skills. I have used up all my savings. I am paying $600 a month for minimal health insurance. I refinanced in April 2009, so I am not eligible for some of the assistance programs. Being unemployed, no one will consider another refinance. While the mortgage is my only debt, I cannot afford it, and am in the position of having to sell my home of 18 years or go into foreclosure.
Please. I know this is a common story, but I am not a statistic. I do not know where to turn or what to do. Can someone help, or am I just sending this despair into the ether?
Feb 22, 2012 From homeownerhelp to me, in response to a message to their site
Thank you for contacting our office. I am sorry about your situation and I am sure the funds are needed. We did open the cycle starting at 12pm today. These slots were taken in less than a minute today and that is why you received that message. At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again at the beginning of a new application cycle when one begins. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownershelp.com
We understand this is frustrating and we are working to increase slots available for your county. There is great demand not only in your county, but the state of Oregon. At this time there is no way of guaranteeing that you receive a spot as this process must be fair for all homeowners that need the assistance due to their unemployment hardship.
I would highly recommend contacting a HUD Certified Counselor as these are non-profits and approved by the Federal Government. Also you are welcome to contact our customer service phone number at 503-986-2025.
Feb 8, 2012 From me to HUD (no reply received)
I have been referred to this address by the OHSI contacts. I have been trying, in vain, to apply for Mortgage Assistance and for Mortgage reduction. I was told that the cycle for the former would open at noon today, and I was ready and applying at that time, only to be told by the website that the cycle had been closed. I must now wait until 2/22 for the start of the the next cycle, and there is no guarantee, or even hope, that the same thing won't happen.
Is there someone who can offer me concrete assistance? I keep hearing that aid is available for people in my situation, and that no one is applying for the aid and it is going begging for people who need it.
Well, I need it. I was laid off a year ago. Unemployment is providing less than half of my monthly expenses. I have only been able to find temporary jobs, despite my 27 years of continuous high-level employment and many skills. I have used up all my savings. I am paying $600 a month for minimal health insurance. I refinanced in April 2009, so I am not eligible for some of the assistance programs. Being unemployed, no one will consider another refinance. While the mortgage is my only debt, I cannot afford it, and am in the position of having to sell my home of 18 years or go into foreclosure.
Please. I know this is a common story, but I am not a statistic. I do not know where to turn or what to do. Can someone help, or am I just sending this despair into the ether?
Feb 22, 2012 From homeownerhelp to me, in response to a message to their site
Thank you for contacting our office. I am sorry about your situation and I am sure the funds are needed. We did open the cycle starting at 12pm today. These slots were taken in less than a minute today and that is why you received that message. At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again at the beginning of a new application cycle when one begins. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Gratitude
I've been musing a lot about negativity and gratitude. Doctors, inspirational speakers, and laymen all seem to agree that negativity can cause everything from heart attack to bad skin to a generally lousy life, while "attitudes of gratitude" can get you perfect health, wealth, and happiness, and maybe even turn back global warming.
I exaggerate, of course.
But why is it that when D is negative, he considers himself to be "injecting some reality" into the conversation, and when I am negative he wants to nominate me for Hyperbole Magazine's Woman of the Year? It's the nature of the beast, I suspect. Negativity is in the eye of the recipient.
Still, in the long run, I agree with the gratitude mongers. Even if it may not be reality, it is a lovely mindset to have. You see the best of every situation, you walk about the world in a glow of happiness, you are floating in the sea, there are no sharks coming up from the depths.....see there's the rub. How do you balance awareness with always looking on the bright side of life?
"Plan for the worst and hope for the best."
In fact, gratitude requires that awareness of the shark below.
So, when I got up this morning and found broken glass in the sink and the gas lit under a frying pan on the stove, I had several directions my mind could and did go. Oh my god, he could have burned down the house. How long was that on? Is this why the gas bill was so high this month? How often does he DO that? Why did he leave the broken glass in the sink? But I settled on, Thank God the burner was on low.
Is that gratitude?
I think so. For me, every impulse of gratitude arises from a knowledge of the flip side of the coin. I don't think this negates the attitude. I think good experiences are enhanced by knowing that things could be horrible but, magically, are not. It is common to say that life is a gift, but it is less easy to see the gift in every moment.
Right now for example: my toes are wiggling, I am typing words, my dog is lying next to me; there is coffee in the kitchen, knitting underneath me (I must really learn to pick things up before I sit down), the sound of the heater, the sky lightening outside the window. I can be grateful for toes that wriggle, a laptop, a brain that conceives ideas, fingers that can type, the ability to care for a pet, a house full of good food, the supplies and time and ability to create, heat, and light. Basics and some wonderful extras. Or, I can say, my toes are cold (I need to get my socks), why doesn't D bring me the coffee (he's so selfish: I make the coffee why can't he serve me?), Carbon's health is a constant source of worry (I'm a lousy pet owner), I don't have time to be doing this (I am disorganized and selfish), the heater is too noisy (I can't afford a new one).....
But I am grateful for a brain that works. Dammit.
I exaggerate, of course.
But why is it that when D is negative, he considers himself to be "injecting some reality" into the conversation, and when I am negative he wants to nominate me for Hyperbole Magazine's Woman of the Year? It's the nature of the beast, I suspect. Negativity is in the eye of the recipient.
Still, in the long run, I agree with the gratitude mongers. Even if it may not be reality, it is a lovely mindset to have. You see the best of every situation, you walk about the world in a glow of happiness, you are floating in the sea, there are no sharks coming up from the depths.....see there's the rub. How do you balance awareness with always looking on the bright side of life?
"Plan for the worst and hope for the best."
In fact, gratitude requires that awareness of the shark below.
So, when I got up this morning and found broken glass in the sink and the gas lit under a frying pan on the stove, I had several directions my mind could and did go. Oh my god, he could have burned down the house. How long was that on? Is this why the gas bill was so high this month? How often does he DO that? Why did he leave the broken glass in the sink? But I settled on, Thank God the burner was on low.
Is that gratitude?
I think so. For me, every impulse of gratitude arises from a knowledge of the flip side of the coin. I don't think this negates the attitude. I think good experiences are enhanced by knowing that things could be horrible but, magically, are not. It is common to say that life is a gift, but it is less easy to see the gift in every moment.
Right now for example: my toes are wiggling, I am typing words, my dog is lying next to me; there is coffee in the kitchen, knitting underneath me (I must really learn to pick things up before I sit down), the sound of the heater, the sky lightening outside the window. I can be grateful for toes that wriggle, a laptop, a brain that conceives ideas, fingers that can type, the ability to care for a pet, a house full of good food, the supplies and time and ability to create, heat, and light. Basics and some wonderful extras. Or, I can say, my toes are cold (I need to get my socks), why doesn't D bring me the coffee (he's so selfish: I make the coffee why can't he serve me?), Carbon's health is a constant source of worry (I'm a lousy pet owner), I don't have time to be doing this (I am disorganized and selfish), the heater is too noisy (I can't afford a new one).....
But I am grateful for a brain that works. Dammit.
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