unwanted feedback

Several months ago, my toxic co-worker informed me that my manner is often curt.  Since she went around in perpetual scowl mode herself, I thought it was a ludicrous comment.  I've always worked to be approachable and generous with my time and attention, so I decided  it was just one more manufactured criticism, an excuse for her ongoing dislike and niggly attacks.

So I thought.

Yesterday I was lunching with a dear friend, and he informed me that I am often rude to the wait staff.  I was stunned.  I love to dine out, and I am horrified at the thought that my behavior makes it difficult for other people to enjoy themselves.  Besides, it's stupid to be rude to the person who handles your food.

He said my manner could be blamed on D, source of all evil in my universe.  But I can't dismiss it so facilely.

Have I really turned into that hideous old lady who makes unreasonable demands and cannot be pleased?   Don't I say please and thanks?  Don't I smile when I make a request?  Don't I look people in the eye?  What is this rudeness of which they speak?

I guess the real problem is that I have been unaware of my negative impact on people.  I don't know how to fix a problem that I cannot recognize.  There are so many things I accuse myself of, but rudeness has never been on the list.

I truly don't know what to do with this feedback.

A half century of "shoulds"

Two weeks ago I posted a whiny blog, which I thought better of the next day.  It's safely in my draft folder, and my apologies to anyone who saw it before I tidied away.  But that doesn't mean I'm not still feeling whiny.  I miss having a regular companion, and I don't feel like I've replaced the job of caring for D with any worthwhile activities.  As I whimpered in my weekly therapy session, I'm not living a productive life.

She asked, in her contemplative therapist voice, "and what would that look like?"

I was stumped.

I muttered something about my creative friends, and she pointed to my knitting.  Well, no, that's not creative or productive, that's just keeping my hands busy. "Uh Huh," she said noncommittally.  I said, I should be doing more, losing weight, focusing, connecting, taking care of business.  "Why?"  Because....I SHOULD!

Therapists are irritating sometimes.

However, it turns out it's not the goals she's taking exception to, but the "negative self-talk."  Is there anything that cannot be phrased more positively, without the S word?   Well, what about cleaning the house, not living in squalor?  "Why not?"  Because....I don't like it.  Okay, I get it.  Not "I should," but "I want to," or "I choose to."

Semantics, I say.  Not really, she counters.  It's the difference between putting yourself down and making a conscious choice.  So, here's the challenge.  Is there anything that is a legitimate "should?"  And if not, how do I put aside a lifetime of framing my life in terms of negativity and other's expectations?  Is it possible to eradicate a half-century of "shoulds?"

And Should I?