I grow old, I grow old.
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Over 30 years ago, I read The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and the words have followed me around ever since. At the first reading, of course, I could not possibly understand what Eliot was going on about. I had not met commitment-phobes. I had not attended the empty cocktail parties, and I was at the beginning of my life's business of figuring out how to make a difference. While I never thought I would live a life of passionate meaning, I did not fear that my beautiful life would be a conglomeration of dreary moments. But now, I do fear. I count the meaningless, passionless accumulations, and I wonder how I can get those mermaids to sing to me.
I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.
In fact, my life is measured out in pixels, not coffee spoons. It's another age.
Today I woke up with an inflamed throat, an aching body, and a tottering step. I got up to feed Carbon and cancel on the Wednesday walk, but then D made me go back to bed and brought me coffee, toast, and the morning paper. The cat and dog joined me in their usual snuggly fashion. But I couldn't stay down.
Next thing you know, I'm staring at the iPad screen, checking out the e-mail, applying for jobs, tossing a losing word at Lexulous. Then I throw in the towel, put on a skirt, and join D downstairs. And for the next several hours, I sit with the laptop. Across the room, the 42" plasma TV screen is also going full blast. My home is a pixellated hell.
I check Craigslist for convection toaster ovens and cooktops. Troy and Brian check in: time to tile the downstairs shower and finish work on the French doors. The pilot light on the water heater has gone out AGAIN: Brian relights it, but the theory is that, at long last, it is giving up the ghost. Several weeks ago I was wondering which appliance was going to go next. Now I know.
In the rooms, the (workers) come and go, talking of....well, not of Michaelangelo.
D takes off for his Senior Forum for Collaborative Stories meeting. They are finding places to show I Am and facilitate discussions. He, at any rate, is trying to make a difference.
Meanwhile, I finish the applications and sign into Spark: Lnet needs an extra body to do some virtual reference. As I try to help someone find a microfilm reader/printer, a window pops up. I have 15 seconds to accept or reject the question. It reads, simply, "help." I ignore it, and it goes away, to return more emphatically: "Desperately needing help with something." It's not compassion that makes me accept it, but the fact that I am no longer helping anyone else. But, the questioner has given up, moved on, or found the answer somewhere else. Not my problem any more.
Thinking of the vagaries of computer-generated help, I decide to set up the application for Mortgage Assistance. It's been 2 weeks since my last attempt, and I'm trying to not get my hopes up. They say there are more openings this time around, but I've heard that before.
Okay: all filled out, ready for me to hit the Submit button at zero hour. I return to Spark and set up another Judge Judy. Wow, this one features an earthquake! It's like an original Star Trek episode: the camera shakes up and down and people get up and start running for the doors while JJ dives under her desk. It doesn't seem real, but apparently it is.
Ooof! 10 minutes to go. I'm getting hungry, but nothing sounds good. My throat is still raspy.
Do I dare to eat a peach?
Here we go! 11:59. The tiny heartless window pops up, informing me that there are no more funds for my county. I expected it, since I'm early, and try again. This time there are no funds AND the passwords don't match. It's 12:00. Again, no funds. I am too exhausted to be furious. Doggedly I try again. And again. And again. And....I'm in!
Feverishly, I fill out everything I can, print up the 8 pages of information, checklists, official forms. There is more to do but....I'M IN!
I get up to make chicken soup and settle down to watch TV and knit. The workers continue to check in with me, and I hear the whine of table saws in the distance. D calls several times on his errands. I send more messages into the ether. I read the responses. My head still hurts. Carbon and Simone joust for my attention, and I pet them.
The next thing you know, it's 4:30, the light is waning, the workers are winding up, and my day is over. Finally, I turn off the TV and set aside the laptop. I am too tired to pick up and I am confused: where did this mess come from? I just sat in front of glowing screens. I made some soup and some toast, cut up an orange, peeled some garlic. I gathered up the compost and stacked the dishes. I brought in the mail. WHERE DID THIS MESS COME FROM?
D blames me. He is unhappy, because housework is his job, and I am finally holding him to it. He says he wouldn't mind doing the work if I would just pick up after myself. Sick or well, my natural environment is the barnyard. Says he.
No, I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be! Am an attendant lord...
We are both searching for something and not finding it, and the small victories emphasize this. Meanwhile, D finds consolation in the pixels that produce Hearts games, and I find consolation in my own pixels. This, for example, found posted on Facebook. Or this. Or this. There are some amazing things in the world.
Oy, now I have laryngitis. I think I'll take my cold to bed and hope for a more meaningful day tomorrow. Or, at any rate, for a less raw throat.
And indeed there will be time.
Showing posts with label mortgage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mortgage. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
False Hope is Corrosive
I spent another day getting the runaround from various institutions and crying. I am now officially ready to throw in the towel, which I suspect is the goal of all involved. There are so many people in need, they have to have a way to winnow people out. But they don't want to appear unhelpful. So, they start with random rules. They advertise services and promise they will help people.....if they are eligible. The eligibility requirements are truly head-scratchers. Why does it matter when you last refinanced your house? (That's the one that winnows me out.) Or how much you owe? Or how much equity you have? Need is need.
If you can get past the eligibility requirements, they then set up a process to winnow you out. I've already described the mortgage assistance boogie, but there's a further twist: even if you do get to apply, there's no saying you will actually be accepted into the program.
Essentially, you are running through a maze. You keep running down blind alleys. Then, you see a run that ends in a doorway, the door held open. You see green fields, seascapes, mountains: whatever symbolizes freedom. You run towards the door and just as you reach it, WHAM! it's slammed in your face. And a voice says, turn around and try the other tunnel....see, there's a door there, it's going to open in 2 hours, just sit by it. Ooops, you're sitting next to the wrong door, it's never going to open. Try that door over there. Repeat again in 2 weeks. And again.
It's just plain mean. It would be better if I spent my time focussing on what I can do for myself, not on these phantom promises and false hopes.
So, next time I get ready to whine about my sad state of affairs, I will breathe deeply and think about what is working in my life. I will think about chocolate, fresh bread, the scents of rosemary and lavender, good books, classical music, strong hugs from people I love, making s'mores at the fireplace....there are so many things to bring joy, and few of them require much effort to acquire.
As Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day."
If you can get past the eligibility requirements, they then set up a process to winnow you out. I've already described the mortgage assistance boogie, but there's a further twist: even if you do get to apply, there's no saying you will actually be accepted into the program.
Essentially, you are running through a maze. You keep running down blind alleys. Then, you see a run that ends in a doorway, the door held open. You see green fields, seascapes, mountains: whatever symbolizes freedom. You run towards the door and just as you reach it, WHAM! it's slammed in your face. And a voice says, turn around and try the other tunnel....see, there's a door there, it's going to open in 2 hours, just sit by it. Ooops, you're sitting next to the wrong door, it's never going to open. Try that door over there. Repeat again in 2 weeks. And again.
It's just plain mean. It would be better if I spent my time focussing on what I can do for myself, not on these phantom promises and false hopes.
So, next time I get ready to whine about my sad state of affairs, I will breathe deeply and think about what is working in my life. I will think about chocolate, fresh bread, the scents of rosemary and lavender, good books, classical music, strong hugs from people I love, making s'mores at the fireplace....there are so many things to bring joy, and few of them require much effort to acquire.
As Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day."
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Mortgage Assistance Boogie
Two weeks ago I talked to the folks at the Hope Hotline. (People keep pointing out articles about all the assistance that is out there for folks in imminent danger of foreclosure.) I didn't read the page carefully enough. It's a counseling service, and all they did was tell me what I already know: I cannot afford my mortgage payments. They gave me the scoop on foreclosure laws in Oregon and advised me to sell my home.
So I sent out the following cri du coeur:
I am sending this message to friends and acquaintances in an effort to cast as wide a net as possible. As most of you know, I was laid off last year. I have been receiving unemployment, renting out the studio that is attached to the house, working on call and using my savings to cover my mortgage. I am now tapped out. I am looking at the very real possibility of foreclosure.
This is, of course, a common story right now.
The next step in my unemployment saga: in a last-ditch effort to cover my mortgagepayments, we are planning to move into the studio and rent out the rest of the house. This means a major downsizing. I will be checking in with estate sale folks, but thought I'd let my friends and acquaintances know: lots of stuff is up for grabs. Antiques, tables, chairs, dishes, books, CDs, coffee tables, desks, chairs, rugs, TVs, shelving, linens, quilts (including a featherbed.) I will probably have a friends "pre-sale" open house in the next few weeks, but feel free to come by and look around, or ask me about specifics. If there is anything you have been coveting over the last 20 years, now's the time to ask!
Also, if you know of any possible tenants who don't mind living with the landlord next door, please send them my contact number. I would so much prefer someone with built-in references to the Craigslist thing. I'm thinking of a March 1 start date.
Now, as I was reaching out to my friends and acquaintances, I was still looking for government assistance. The place to go is apparently homeowerhelp.com. I have visited it at intervals since I was laid off in January 2011. The first time I applied for assistance, I was informed that, since I did a refinance in April 2009, I was not eligible. (The drop-dead date for a refi is January, 2009.) I looked at it again on Feb 6, after my cheery chat with the Hopeful folks. It has been an exercise in frustration from that moment forward.
Currently, they have a 2-week cycle for applying for assistance. I tried on Feb 8, and again yesterday. I've hovered, waiting for the noon start time to start my application. By 12:01, I've finished creating my account, I hit the submit button and BOOM! I get the window that says they are no longer accepting applications and I need to wait until the start of the next cycle. WTF?
I send a message to the help folks and they say, yeah, our funds get used up really quickly. Really? in 1 minute? Can anyone else type faster than me? Then they tell me to contact the HUD people. I do, but they don't get back to me.
I do still have unemployment, until July. That brings in about $2K a month. The airbnb brought in close to $21K last year, which is an average of $1,700 a month. It has gone down in recent months, however. Those two things cover mortgage. Then there is $600 for health insurance and about $2K for living expenses (utilities, food, phone, insurance, miscellaneous.) So I've covered that with the 401K, which is now kaput. I don't know what I'll do about taxes on all that. I'm only earning around $500 a month with the oncall work, and some of that reduces the UI benefit.
So, it's pretty bleak. Basically, my expenses need to be cut drastically. The utilities are a big chunk, and I have tried without success to reduce them. If I cut my expenses to $1K and get a job with benefits, I will still need rental income of at least $1200 a month.
Since I sent out my cri de désespoir, I have received gifts of money from friends and family, and that is going to pay off the medical debts and cover mortgage for about 2 months, as well as let me finish the shed for habitation. Friends also found a charming family to rent the upstairs, and today the workmen are busily sawing and hammering. We have begun winnowing our belongings, pending an estate sale in the near future. If necessary, I'll be in good shape to sell the house. It's not my first choice, but it's not the end of the world. And I am puddly with tears of gratitude for the friends and family who send up prayers, send me assistance and ideas, and generally let me know that, in their eyes, I matter.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
So I sent out the following cri du coeur:
I am sending this message to friends and acquaintances in an effort to cast as wide a net as possible. As most of you know, I was laid off last year. I have been receiving unemployment, renting out the studio that is attached to the house, working on call and using my savings to cover my mortgage. I am now tapped out. I am looking at the very real possibility of foreclosure.
This is, of course, a common story right now.
The next step in my unemployment saga: in a last-ditch effort to cover my mortgagepayments, we are planning to move into the studio and rent out the rest of the house. This means a major downsizing. I will be checking in with estate sale folks, but thought I'd let my friends and acquaintances know: lots of stuff is up for grabs. Antiques, tables, chairs, dishes, books, CDs, coffee tables, desks, chairs, rugs, TVs, shelving, linens, quilts (including a featherbed.) I will probably have a friends "pre-sale" open house in the next few weeks, but feel free to come by and look around, or ask me about specifics. If there is anything you have been coveting over the last 20 years, now's the time to ask!
Also, if you know of any possible tenants who don't mind living with the landlord next door, please send them my contact number. I would so much prefer someone with built-in references to the Craigslist thing. I'm thinking of a March 1 start date.
Now, as I was reaching out to my friends and acquaintances, I was still looking for government assistance. The place to go is apparently homeowerhelp.com. I have visited it at intervals since I was laid off in January 2011. The first time I applied for assistance, I was informed that, since I did a refinance in April 2009, I was not eligible. (The drop-dead date for a refi is January, 2009.) I looked at it again on Feb 6, after my cheery chat with the Hopeful folks. It has been an exercise in frustration from that moment forward.
Currently, they have a 2-week cycle for applying for assistance. I tried on Feb 8, and again yesterday. I've hovered, waiting for the noon start time to start my application. By 12:01, I've finished creating my account, I hit the submit button and BOOM! I get the window that says they are no longer accepting applications and I need to wait until the start of the next cycle. WTF?
I send a message to the help folks and they say, yeah, our funds get used up really quickly. Really? in 1 minute? Can anyone else type faster than me? Then they tell me to contact the HUD people. I do, but they don't get back to me.
I do still have unemployment, until July. That brings in about $2K a month. The airbnb brought in close to $21K last year, which is an average of $1,700 a month. It has gone down in recent months, however. Those two things cover mortgage. Then there is $600 for health insurance and about $2K for living expenses (utilities, food, phone, insurance, miscellaneous.) So I've covered that with the 401K, which is now kaput. I don't know what I'll do about taxes on all that. I'm only earning around $500 a month with the oncall work, and some of that reduces the UI benefit.
So, it's pretty bleak. Basically, my expenses need to be cut drastically. The utilities are a big chunk, and I have tried without success to reduce them. If I cut my expenses to $1K and get a job with benefits, I will still need rental income of at least $1200 a month.
Since I sent out my cri de désespoir, I have received gifts of money from friends and family, and that is going to pay off the medical debts and cover mortgage for about 2 months, as well as let me finish the shed for habitation. Friends also found a charming family to rent the upstairs, and today the workmen are busily sawing and hammering. We have begun winnowing our belongings, pending an estate sale in the near future. If necessary, I'll be in good shape to sell the house. It's not my first choice, but it's not the end of the world. And I am puddly with tears of gratitude for the friends and family who send up prayers, send me assistance and ideas, and generally let me know that, in their eyes, I matter.
What more could I want?
For those with strong nerves, I hereby present....The Mortgage Assistance Boogie:
Feb 6, 2012, from me to Homeownerhelp.com
Hi, I've been going through the website, and it appears that there are no funds for Multnomah County residents. Can you advise me as to the best way to apply for federal dollars to help me avoid foreclosure. I have been unemployed for a year now, and my income is insufficient to cover my expenses.
I hear a lot about programs of assistance, but I can't seem to find a way to apply for them.
yours in desperation
Feb 6, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com to me
Thank you for contacting our office. Multnomah still has assistance however the cycle’s available slots are filled. The next cycle is scheduled to open on Wednesday February 8th at noon. Please know that cycles will be opening every two weeks until funds are gone.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp.com
I am trying to apply, and I keep getting a message that my county is not accepting applications. Did I get the date/time wrong?
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com
At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again on Wednesday February 22nd at noon. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp
This is very frustrating. You and the web site both said the cycle began at noon today, and I logged in at 11:57 am and started applying. How was it possible for all the slots to be filled by the time I finished typing?
Should I have started at midnight? What can I do on 2/22 to catch that fleeting window of opportunity?
For those with strong nerves, I hereby present....The Mortgage Assistance Boogie:
Feb 6, 2012, from me to Homeownerhelp.com
Hi, I've been going through the website, and it appears that there are no funds for Multnomah County residents. Can you advise me as to the best way to apply for federal dollars to help me avoid foreclosure. I have been unemployed for a year now, and my income is insufficient to cover my expenses.
I hear a lot about programs of assistance, but I can't seem to find a way to apply for them.
yours in desperation
Feb 6, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com to me
Thank you for contacting our office. Multnomah still has assistance however the cycle’s available slots are filled. The next cycle is scheduled to open on Wednesday February 8th at noon. Please know that cycles will be opening every two weeks until funds are gone.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp.com
I am trying to apply, and I keep getting a message that my county is not accepting applications. Did I get the date/time wrong?
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownerhelp.com
At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again on Wednesday February 22nd at noon. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
Feb 8, 2012, from me to homeownerhelp
This is very frustrating. You and the web site both said the cycle began at noon today, and I logged in at 11:57 am and started applying. How was it possible for all the slots to be filled by the time I finished typing?
Should I have started at midnight? What can I do on 2/22 to catch that fleeting window of opportunity?
I am in imminent danger of losing my home of 20 years, and it rubs salt in the wound when people tell me there are programs to help me and then slam the door in my face and say, "just kidding."
I have searched the various websites and asked for assistance, and all it does is make me vulnerable to salesmen and scammers. I have worked since I was 14 and been a careful and responsible budgeter. And I find myself being treated like a lowlife and shuffled through insulting processes. I know you cannot help this, and I appreciate the prompt responses to my cries in the dark, but is there any way these systems can be less frustrating and soul-destroying? Is there anyone I can talk to?
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownershelp.com
We understand this is frustrating and we are working to increase slots available for your county. There is great demand not only in your county, but the state of Oregon. At this time there is no way of guaranteeing that you receive a spot as this process must be fair for all homeowners that need the assistance due to their unemployment hardship.
I would highly recommend contacting a HUD Certified Counselor as these are non-profits and approved by the Federal Government. Also you are welcome to contact our customer service phone number at 503-986-2025.
Feb 8, 2012 From me to HUD (no reply received)
I have been referred to this address by the OHSI contacts. I have been trying, in vain, to apply for Mortgage Assistance and for Mortgage reduction. I was told that the cycle for the former would open at noon today, and I was ready and applying at that time, only to be told by the website that the cycle had been closed. I must now wait until 2/22 for the start of the the next cycle, and there is no guarantee, or even hope, that the same thing won't happen.
Is there someone who can offer me concrete assistance? I keep hearing that aid is available for people in my situation, and that no one is applying for the aid and it is going begging for people who need it.
Well, I need it. I was laid off a year ago. Unemployment is providing less than half of my monthly expenses. I have only been able to find temporary jobs, despite my 27 years of continuous high-level employment and many skills. I have used up all my savings. I am paying $600 a month for minimal health insurance. I refinanced in April 2009, so I am not eligible for some of the assistance programs. Being unemployed, no one will consider another refinance. While the mortgage is my only debt, I cannot afford it, and am in the position of having to sell my home of 18 years or go into foreclosure.
Please. I know this is a common story, but I am not a statistic. I do not know where to turn or what to do. Can someone help, or am I just sending this despair into the ether?
Feb 22, 2012 From homeownerhelp to me, in response to a message to their site
Thank you for contacting our office. I am sorry about your situation and I am sure the funds are needed. We did open the cycle starting at 12pm today. These slots were taken in less than a minute today and that is why you received that message. At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again at the beginning of a new application cycle when one begins. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Feb 8, 2012, from homeownershelp.com
We understand this is frustrating and we are working to increase slots available for your county. There is great demand not only in your county, but the state of Oregon. At this time there is no way of guaranteeing that you receive a spot as this process must be fair for all homeowners that need the assistance due to their unemployment hardship.
I would highly recommend contacting a HUD Certified Counselor as these are non-profits and approved by the Federal Government. Also you are welcome to contact our customer service phone number at 503-986-2025.
Feb 8, 2012 From me to HUD (no reply received)
I have been referred to this address by the OHSI contacts. I have been trying, in vain, to apply for Mortgage Assistance and for Mortgage reduction. I was told that the cycle for the former would open at noon today, and I was ready and applying at that time, only to be told by the website that the cycle had been closed. I must now wait until 2/22 for the start of the the next cycle, and there is no guarantee, or even hope, that the same thing won't happen.
Is there someone who can offer me concrete assistance? I keep hearing that aid is available for people in my situation, and that no one is applying for the aid and it is going begging for people who need it.
Well, I need it. I was laid off a year ago. Unemployment is providing less than half of my monthly expenses. I have only been able to find temporary jobs, despite my 27 years of continuous high-level employment and many skills. I have used up all my savings. I am paying $600 a month for minimal health insurance. I refinanced in April 2009, so I am not eligible for some of the assistance programs. Being unemployed, no one will consider another refinance. While the mortgage is my only debt, I cannot afford it, and am in the position of having to sell my home of 18 years or go into foreclosure.
Please. I know this is a common story, but I am not a statistic. I do not know where to turn or what to do. Can someone help, or am I just sending this despair into the ether?
Feb 22, 2012 From homeownerhelp to me, in response to a message to their site
Thank you for contacting our office. I am sorry about your situation and I am sure the funds are needed. We did open the cycle starting at 12pm today. These slots were taken in less than a minute today and that is why you received that message. At this time, there are only limited opportunities for the MPA-U Program in your county. Due to the great demand in your area, available slots in your county were filled extremely quickly. Our program is working to increase the number of slots that become available in your county. We expect more than 300 statewide slots to be available per cycle in future months.
You will be able to attempt an application again at the beginning of a new application cycle when one begins. If you are in danger of foreclosure, contact a HUD Certified Counseling Agency in your area for help.
Make sure you have reviewed our FAQ page and our Application Video to learn more about the program. If you still have questions about the MPA-U Application process, write us back and we will address them as soon as possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)