Is it possible to be part introvert, part extrovert? On my OkCupid profile, I claim to be a closet introvert. Most people think of me as an extrovert, but years of working with the public drained my energy, and I needed vast amounts of alone time to replenish. Now, however, I have all the alone time I could ask for, and I still seem to be fatigued, and I still want to hole up in my room. I'm trying to figure out if it's a mental or physical issue.
I am looking up
Symptoms of diabetes.
I have half of them.
We were talking about this because I'm very lonely, and I don't know what to do with that. Yes, I know I've written about this a LOT, but it's still rearing its ugly head. People don't have time for me and I feel rejected, but I can't blame them. I feel unattractive and unnecessary. I don't want to force my unhappy self on other people, but I don't want to be alone either. I have heard all my life that, to be attractive or lovable, you have to love yourself. I still don't know what that means. It's almost like blaming the victim: it's your own damn fault no one wants to be around you. Well, gee, that makes me feel a whole lot better. So....all I have to do is take my unlovable self and be confident that my unlovable self is really lovable? How does that alchemy work?
So, I started thinking about personality traits. What is it about me that can be attractive? What makes me want to get up in the morning and live in my skin? How do I build self-confidence? Is it something innate, or something that can be created? And thus, back to the question of extroversion vs introversion.
One would think that confidence is part of being an extrovert, but lovability is clearly not restricted to the extroverts. My friend is very lovable, after all. And extroverts can just be annoying sometimes. They seem to be all about self. In fact, I remember editing an article by an introvert customer service person. It was illuminating: the thesis was that you often provide better service if you are an introvert, because you take yourself out of the equation and really focus on the other person. There is no bigger attractant than someone's undivided attention.
However, that doesn't seem to be the answer, either. Here's what thesaurus.com has to say about introverts:
noun: person who retreats mentally
- wallflower
- brooder
- egoist
- egotist
- loner
- narcissist
- solitary
Wow. How do you go from being solitary to being a narcissist? I would never have thought an introvert was an egotist. On the other hand, a brooder does have that tendency.
Quietly watching
Clouds rolling in, birds flitting.
Am I brooding?
Extroverts don't sound great, either, though:
noun: sociable person (okay, that's nice) but.....
- character
- exhibitionist
- show-off
- showboat
- gregarious person
- life of the party
There seem to be some similar traits in the two lists: egotism and showing-off for example. Both are exceedingly unattractive. However, the synonyms certainly point out the bias in favor of extroverts. I think most people would find a sociable person to be more attractive than one who retreats mentally. And there just isn't much in the introvert list that you'd want to be around.
And now I think I understand my problem. I AM an introvert. I need to be solitary, to think (brood if you will), to figure things out. And that is unattractive to a large part of our culture. So, my game face is that of an extrovert. And that is unattractive to me.
It's time to turn my back on the whole thing and remember what my friend A said, in the aftermath of her divorce to a charismatic, arrogantly brilliant scholar. The very things that attracted her to him were the things that made him unlivable, not to mention unlovable. And she retreated to a Henry James quote: "Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind."
And the kindness has to be to myself, as well.
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